Employee Evaluations
by Cold Flat Coke
Summary: An attempt at a typical objective, fly on the wall episode.
1. Chapter 1

Michael: Hey Pam. Pam! Pam-O. (slaps desk with hands, leans in) Didja get that thing I sent ya?

Pam: Uh, you mean the--

Michael: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law! Ahh... funny stuff. You know, I had pretty much the same idea years ago. Years!

Pam: You mean that Adult Swim thing?

Michael: Yeah, all of it, pretty much. Not the stuff with the talking food, I don't even get that. Especially that piece of meat, gross.

Pam: I.. don't really know, I don't stay up late enough to watch it.

Michael: Oh yeah? Nothing else is... keeping you.. up at night? Like Roy? Hey-oh!

Pam: ...That's really none of your business.

(silence)

Michael: Ahh, yeah. Well, sorry Pam. Just trying to lighten the mood. Why does it always feel like such a prison in here? I feel like I'm doing time at Riker's Island, for Pete's sake! I mean, jeeeeez, (grabbing on to the doorknob of his office and shaking it) Sanctuary! Sannnnctuaryyy! (looks over shoulder at camera)

Pam: (half-gaping)

_Pam: Do I think Michael's a bad boss? ...I don't think Michael.. is a bad.. person. I really don't think he's a bad person. ...he's an awful boss though, yes._

Michael: Seriously though, did you get the survey?

Pam: (checking her computer) You mean the Employee Evaluation?

Michael: Yeah, great, could you just print out a whole mess of copies for everyone and tell them to fill it out by the end of the day?

Pam: Didn't we do something like thing a couple of months ago? Performance reviews? In your office?

Michael: Yeah, well, the decision from corporate was that we needed a more structural, ah, objective way of measuring employee performance and drive and workflow, e.g., the Scranton branch. So, just print those out for me?

Pam: It's due by the end of the day?

Michael: Yeah? So?

Pam: Michael, this survey is really long, why didn't you send it to me earlier?

_Michael: Okay, the Employee Evaluations got out a little later in the day than I wanted, just because... well, originally, I thought it would be a good idea to attach my own questions that I had devised onto the Employee Evaluation. Because... surveys like this test a lot of what's up here (points to brain) but not a lot of what's in here (points to heart). Um, or what's up here (points to brain), but creatively. I think creativity is really important for an office. Or anywhere. Martin Luther King Jr. was creative. If he hadn't had that weird dream, whatever it was about, Stanley wouldn't be with us today. And that would be sad._

_Anyway, my section of the survey didn't make it because corporate didn't think that drawing pictures was a good tool for assessing employee values and goals. Maybe, maybe not. I thought it would be a much less constrictive way of expressing opinions, but then not everyone is a that good of an artist. I happen to be great at drawing, but... (shrugs)_

Michael: Okay, well, that's kind of classified Pam, but FYI, I had to revise the first copy a little bit. And then it was lunch time, and I got stuck in line at Subway behind this lady who was ordering at least a hundred sandwichs, and you know...

Pam: Okay okay, that's fine, just.. how many copies do you want?

Michael: You know, as many as the number of employees we have.

Pam: (shrugs)

Michael: Like... twenty?

Pam: (thinking)

Michael: Fifty?

Pam: (furrows brow)

(cuts off to Pam forwarding the email to the Scranton office mailing list and instructing them to print it out themselves)

_Michael: So! (claps hands together) To clarify, what we're doing today is something called (using fingers to indicate quotation marks) "Employee Evaluations". Ah, whatever that means. Basically, they're just surveys. Ah, we'll be using them in tight conjugation with the... uh, evaluations made during performance reviews to determine things like pay raises and promotions, and ways to improve the company. Uh, not because the performance reviews weren't sufficient... exactly... I think they were overstating things when they said that... but, more like, because... well, I'm doing this for Jan. Pretty much. Gotta... smooooth things out with the old lady, you know? The old ball and chain! The old sack of potatoes!_

_Pam: Basically, we've got to take this eight-page survey because Michael is Jan's bitch. ...oh my gosh! Can I say that? (covers mouth, grinning)_

Pam: (watching Jim read his email)

Jim: (reading it, glances over at Pam, gives her the thumbs up)

Pam: (smiling, mouths "survey!")

Jim: (smiling, nods, goes back to the rest of his email)

Pam: (still looking over, realizes Jim's not going to look back, goes back to computer)

_Jim: Oh sure, I'm excited. I not many people know it, but I eat this kind of thing up. Online quizzes, IQ tests, tax forms, you name it. I really hope it has a scan-tron section. God,I love filling in those bubbles._

_Michael: Uh... yeah, I'm going to take the Employee Evaluation. Not because I have to, my job's pretty secure. I mean, besides that the branch might be shut down, but that wouldn't effect me, just (points outside of himself with both fingers). Still, I should set a good example for the troops. A leader should inspire his followers. Plus, Jan will be reading the Employee Evaluations, so, maybe a chance to impress her? Chicks dig guys with ambition. And also, poetry._

_Dwight: I'm thrilled personally. I don't know if you remember, but I... NAILED... the last employee evaluation. I was promoted to Assistant Regional Manager. And now I have the chance to advance even further. I'm taking this very seriously._

Dwight: (recording voicemail message) This is Dwight Shrute. I am unavailable to come to the phone today due to an extremely important business-related opportunity. If you need to reach me for personal or professional reasons, please leave a message at the tone. If you have a complaint or threatening message of any kind, press 5.

Jim: (just staring at him) Press 5? That's not going to do anything.

Dwight: (hanging up) Wrong. The answering machine will record the sound. Then, even if they don't leave a message, I can use the Caller ID to trace the call and detect the enemy before they even realize I'm on to them.

Jim: (looking up at ceiling, exasperated) Okay... Dwight, even if someone were out to get you, wouldn't it make more sense for you to let them leave a message so you know who they are or what they're gonna do or...?

Dwight: Not really. Knowledge is power. But only the right knowledge. Now please stop bothering me, this survey could determine the rest of my life. (short silence) Yours too, if you play your cards right. (smirks)

_Jim: (reading survey) Short-term goals... hmm. How about, (writing) "Get... my... desk... changed." _


	2. Chapter 2

Dwight: (hovering over printer with the tray open, carefully loading paper)

_Dwight: In order to make the best impression possible, I'm printing on my own customized stationary. I carry it in my bag at all times just in case. For example, what if I... solved the riddle of the pyramids? Very valuable information. Obviously. I would write it down on my stationary. Then, what if that were stolen by knowledge-hating terrorists? Then what? The president would order the CIA to infiltrate their base and steal back the paper. The CIA would.. blow up the enemy base... probably using plastic explosives. But they'd manage to avoid the paper, although I ordered the paper with an extra glossy finish to protect it so it'd probably be safe anyway. They would recover the paper, and lo and behold, what do they see? (holds up stationary, points to writing near the top) "Dwight K. Schrute: International Genius." (smiles) Copperplate Gothic font, size 12, bold._

Jim: (glancing over at Dwight's printed out survey) What's the point of using stationary? Didn't some of the questions just print over your name?

Dwight: The point is to send a message, Jim. What do you think it's saying to corporate when they see I'm using my own personalized stationary on their Employee Evaluation?

Jim: Thaaat... you work for a paper company and you have tons of stationary to use up because you got a discount and ordered too much?

Dwight: Allright, well how about this. (takes out bottle of cologne) Case in point. Donald Trump's new scent, "Ego". (daubing it on survey) Guaranteed to leave an impression.

Jim: God, it smells like that blue stuff they soak combs in at the barbershop.

Dwight: No... no I think it smells like... success. (grins at Jim)

Jim: (shakes his head, looks back at survey)

Michael: (working on survey, looks up at cameraman) Okay, listen to this, how does this sound: under "strengths" I put, "comedy, inspiring people, poetry, problem-solving, making friends, weight-lifting, art, and style." Now... do you think it would be cocky of me to add "appearance" to the list? And should I make it rhyme to prove that I'm a good poet?

Kevin: (knocking door as he walks in) Michael, I need some help with my Employee Evaluation.

Michael: Kevin, I really don't have time right now, I was just—

Kevin: I don't get some of the questions.

Michael: What could you possibly not get?

Kevin: On the parts about quality of the work environment, would it be better to tell the truth or to lie?

Michael: Of course—why would you have to lie? Of course tell the truth, say that you're having a great time, that your boss makes it easy to work here... you don't have to mention my name, everyone already knows—

Kevin: So I should lie?

Michael: No! That's what I'm saying! Don't lie, they can tell if you're lying. Just talk about how great it is to work here.

Kevin: But—

Michael: Wait wait wait, what are you saying about me on that?

Jim: (muttering while writing) "His general incompetence... is only matched... by... his ability... to alienate... his employees."

Pam: (walks over to Jim's desk) Hey.

Jim: (looks up) Hey Pam.

Pam: Uh, I'm not interrupting anything important, am I?

Jim: I'm just doing the Employee Evaluation thing, so... nah.

Pam: (smiling) Great! Well, I'm bored. Can I do my survey over here with you?

Jim: Uh.. sure! Yeah, pull up a chair, partner.

Pam: (getting a chair) I'll be quiet as a mouse, promise.

Jim: Nah, don't worry about it. In fact, maybe we should be comparing answers.

Pam: Fun!

Dwight: Uh, excuse me? You can't do that. This is a silent, individual task, and cheating is expressly prohibited.

Jim: Dwight... number one, what does that even mean? Number two, you can't cheat on a survey. And number three, who said this has to be silent?

Dwight: Well, I need to concentrate, and since I have more power than you, that makes me in charge—

Jim: No it doesn't.

Dwight: Yes it does. Law of the jungle.

Jim: We're not in the jungle.

Dwight: ...corporate jungle.

Jim: Allright, well, I don't even know what power you're talking about—

Dwight: I'm the assistant regional manager.

Jim: --but majority rules. So, all who say Pam can stay and talk as loud as she wants and make fun of Dwight's stationary, raise your hand. (raises his)

Pam: (raises hers) Sorry Dwight. I was pulling for you.

Dwight: Doesn't matter. I have more power so my votes count for more.

Jim: Dwight! ...allright, whatever, I'm ignoring you. (turning to Pam) So have you already started the survey?

Pam: Yeah, actually I was about halfway through page two when I realized I had stopped writing and started playing Spider Solitaire.

Dwight: (yelling over them) You can't ignore me! I have more power than you! I'll tell Michael!

Jim: You know, it's weird, the wind is really noisy today.

Pam: Is that what that noise is? We're not even near a window.

Jim: Crazy weather.

Dwight: Allright! I'm going to Michael! I'm going! (walks over, starts banging on Michael's door) Michael, I need to speak with you right now.

Michael's voice: Ugh, Dwight, go away, I'm concentrating!

Dwight: Michael—

Michael: If it's something about Jim, I overrule you and you have to be nice to Jim, okay?

Dwight: (stares at the door for a few seconds, turns on his heel, walks back to his desk, grabs survey without saying a word, strides into the conference room and locks the door behind him)

Jim: (looks at Pam, trying not to smile)

Pam: (walks over to Dwight's desk and sits down) Hey Jim, it's me Dwight. (blinks) Wanna talk about ninjas?

Jim: (laughs) You know Dwight, there's something different about you today. Are you going for a new look?

Pam: Ugh, wait a second, what does it smell like over here? It's like... God, like listerine and windex.

Jim: (leaning back) Ah, the smell of success.


End file.
